The Chaos

Original transcription made on May 26th, 2013, with further edits on August 14th, 2015 and June 12th, 2019.

A poem by Gerard Nolst Trenité, also known as "Charivarius" (1870-1946).

The author published a variety of versions of his poem in different places at different times. The following version was originally published in Drop Your Foreign Accent: engelsche uitspraakoefeningen, 5th ed., H. D. Tjeenk Willink & Zoon, in 1929. (These publication details were provided by Karen Smith at Linguist List.)

Even though the poem was intended to be read aloud in early 20th century Received Pronunciation, I made the present IPA transcription using the phonemes of the dialect of Vancouver, BC, Canada. Various notes have been appended at the end that clarify a number of issues that come up from this decision.

Dearest creature in creation,
/ˈdiɚɪst ˈkɹitʃɚ ɪn kɹiˈeɪʃn/
study English pronunciation.
/ˈstədi ˈɪŋglɪʃ prəˌnənsiˈeɪʃn/
I will teach you in my verse
/aɪ wɪl ˈtitʃ ju ɪn maɪ ˈvɚs/
Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.
/ˈsaʊndz laɪk ˈkɔɹps | ˈkɔɹ | ˈhɔɹs | ən ˈwɚs/
I will keep you, Suzy, busy,
/aɪ wɪl ˈkip ju | ˈsuzi | ˈbɪzi/
Make your head with heat grow dizzy.
/ˈmeɪk jɚ ˈhɛd wɪθ ˈhit gɹoʊ ˈdɪzi/
Tear in eye, your dress will tear.
/ˈtiɚ ɪn ˈaɪ | jɚ ˈdɹɛs wɪl ˈtɛɚ/
So shall I! Oh, hear my prayer.
/ˈsoʊ ʃəl ˈaɪ || ˈoʊ | ˈhiɚ maɪ ˈpɹɛɚ/
Pray console your loving poet,
/ˈpɹeɪ kənˈsoʊl jɚ ˈləvɪŋ ˈpoʊɪt
Make my coat look new, dear, sew it.
/ˈmeɪk maɪ ˈkoʊt lʊk ˈnu | ˈdiɚ | ˈsoʊ ɪt/

Just compare heart, beard, and heard,
/ˈdʒəst kəmˈpɛɚ ˈhɑɹt | ˈbiɚd | ən ˈhɚd/
Dies and diet, lord and word,
/ˈdaɪz n ˈdaɪɪt | ˈlɔɹd n ˈwɚd/
Sword and sward, retain and Britain.
/ˈsɔɹd n ˈswɔɹd | rɪˈteɪn ən ˈbɹɪtn/
(Mind the latter, how it's written.)
/ˈmaɪnd ðə ˈlætɚ | ˈhaʊ ɪts ˈɹɪtn/
Now I surely will not plague you
/ˈnaʊ aɪ ˈʃɚli wɪl nɑt ˈpleɪg ju/
With such words as plaque and ague.
/wɪθ sətʃ ˈwɚdz əz ˈplæk ən ˈeɪgju/
But be careful how you speak:
/bət bi ˈkɛɚfəl ˌhaʊ ju ˈspik/
Say break and steak, but bleak and streak;
/ˈseɪ ˈbɹeɪk ən ˈsteɪk | bət ˈblik ən ˈstrik/
Cloven, oven, how and low,
/ˈkloʊvn | ˈəvn | ˈhaʊ ən ˈloʊ/
Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe.
/ˈskɹɪpt | ɹɪˈsit | ˈʃoʊ | ˈpoʊəm | ən ˈtoʊ/

Billet does not rhyme with ballet,
/ˈbɪlɪt dəz nɑt ˈɹaɪm wɪθ bæˈleɪ/
Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.
/buˈkeɪ | ˈwɑlɪt | ˈmælɪt | ʃæˈleɪ/
Blood and flood are not like food,
/ˈbləd ən ˈfləd ɑɹ ˈnɑt laɪk ˈfud/ [1]
Nor is mould like should and would.
/ˌnɔɹ ɪz ˈmoʊld laɪk ˈʃʊd ən ˈwʊd/
Viscous, viscount, load and broad,
/ˈvɪskəs | ˈvaɪkaʊnt | ˈloʊd ən ˈbɹɑd/
Toward, to forward, to reward.
/ˈtwɔrd | tə ˈfɔrwɚd | tə ɹɪˈwɔɹd/
And your pronunciation's OK
/ən jɚ pɹəˌnənsiˈeɪʃnz ˌoʊˈkeɪ/
When you correctly say croquet,
/wən ju kəˈɹɛktli ˈseɪ ˌkɹoʊˈkeɪ/
Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve,
/ˈɹaʊndɪd | ˈwundɪd | ˈgriv ən ˈsɪv/
Friend and fiend, alive and live.
/ˈfɹɛnd ən ˈfind | əˈlaɪv ən ˈlɪv/

Ivy, privy, famous; clamour
/ˈaɪvi | ˈpɹɪvi | ˈfeɪməs | ˈklæmər/
And enamour rhyme with hammer.
/ən ɪˈnæmɚ ˈɹaɪm wɪθ ˈhæmər/
River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb,
/ˈɹɪvɚ | ˈɹaɪvəl | ˈtum | ˈbɑm | ˈkoʊm/
Doll and roll and some and home.
/ˈdɑl ən ˈroʊl ən ˈsəm ən ˈhoʊm/
Stranger does not rhyme with anger,
/ˈstɹeɪndʒɚ dəz nɑt ˈɹaɪm wɪθ ˈængər/
Neither does devour with clangour.
/ˈniðɚ dəz dɪˈvaʊɹ wɪθ ˈklæŋgɚ/
Souls but foul, haunt but aunt,
/ˈsoʊlz bət ˈfaʊl | ˈhɑnt bət ˈænt/ [3]
Font, front, wont, want, grand, and grant,
/ˈfɑnt | ˈfɹənt | ˈwɑnt | ˈwɑnt | ˈgɹænd | ən ˈgɹænt/ [2][3]
Shoes, goes, does. Now first say finger,
/ˈʃuz | ˈgoʊz | ˈdəz || naʊ ˈfɚst seɪ ˈfɪŋgɚ/
And then singer, ginger, linger,
/ən ˈðɛn ˈsɪŋɚ | ˈdʒɪndʒɚ | ˈlɪŋgər/
Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge and gauge,
/ˈril | ˈzil | ˈmoʊv | ˈgɑz | ˈgaʊdʒ ən ˈgeɪdʒ/
Marriage, foliage, mirage, and age.
/ˈmɛɹɪdʒ | ˈfoʊliɪdʒ | mɪˈɹæʒ | ən ˈeɪdʒ/

Though the differences seem little,
/ðoʊ ðə ˈdɪfɹənsɪz sim ˈlɪtəl/
We say actual but victual.
/wi seɪ ˈaktʃuəl bət ˈvɪtəl/
Refer does not rhyme with deafer.
/ɹɪˈfɚ dəz nɑt ˈɹaɪm wɪθ ˈdɛfɚ/
Feoffer does, and zephyr, heifer.
/ˈfɛfər dəz | ən ˈzɛfɚ | ˈhɛfɚ/
Mint, pint, senate and sedate;
/ˈmɪnt | ˈpaɪnt | ˈsɛnɪt ən sɪˈdeɪt/
Dull, bull, and George ate late.
/ˈdəl | ˈbʊl | ən ˈdʒɔɹdʒ ˌeɪt ˈleɪt/
Scenic, Arabic, Pacific,
/ˈsinɪk | ˈɛrəbɪk | pəˈsɪfɪk/
Science, conscience, scientific.
/ˈsaɪəns | ˈkɑnʃəns | saɪənˈtɪfɪk/

Pronunciation — think of Psyche!
/pɹəˌnənsiˈeɪʃən | ˈθɪnk əv ˈsaɪki/
Is a paling stout and spikey?
/ɪz ə ˈpeɪlɪŋ ˈstaʊt n ˈspaɪki/
Won't it make you lose your wits,
/woʊnt ɪt ˈmeɪk ju ˈluz jɚ ˈwɪts/
Writing groats and saying grits?
/ˈɹaɪtɪŋ ˈgɹoʊts ən ˈseɪɪŋ ˈgɹɪts/
It's a dark abyss or tunnel:
/ɪts ə ˈdɑrk əˈbɪs ɚ ˈtənəl/
Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale,
/ˈstɹun wɪθ ˈstoʊnz | ˈstoʊd | ˈsɑlɪs | ˈgənəl/
Islington and Isle of Wight,
/ˈɪzlɪŋtən ən ˈaɪəl əv ˈwaɪt/
Housewife, verdict and indict
/ˈhaʊswaɪf | ˈvɚdɪkt ən ɪnˈdaɪt/ [12]

Finally, which rhymes with enough —
/ˈfaɪnəli | ˈwɪtʃ ˈraɪmz wɪθ ɪˈnəf/
Though, through, plough, or dough, or cough?
/ˈðoʊ | ˈθɹu | ˈplaʊ | ɚ ˈdoʊ | ɚ ˈkɑf/ [13]
Hiccough has the sound of cup.
/ˈhɪkəp hæz ðə ˈsaʊnd əv ˈkəp/
My advice is to give up!!!
/ˈmaɪ ədˈvaɪs ɪz tə gɪv ˈəp/

General notes:
* The dialect of Vancouver has the Mary-marry-merry merger, which, in particular, explains the transcription of the word "Arabic".
* The so-called "Canadian raising" has not been transcribed.

Line notes:
1. It appears that Charivarius may have mistakenly thought food had the /ʊ/ vowel, so that "would" would rhyme with it.
2. The word "wont" has an uncertain pronunciation nowadays due to being very old-fashioned, having either /ɑ/ or /oʊ/.
3. Both "aunt" and "grant" actually have [ɑː] in Received Pronunciation, which makes the latter notable.
4. "Loth" is usually spelled "loath" nowadays.
5. "Library" is pronounced in various ways, with a tendency to drop the first r.
6. The verb "to breech" used to have the vowel /ɪ/ sometimes, like "rich", and this is likely what Charivarius intended here. As this pronunciation is largely unknown nowadays, I have decided to use /i/.
7. The first r of "surprise" is commonly dropped, resulting in /səˈpɹaɪz/.
8. The "y" of "mayor" is more commonly maintained these days, but /mɛɚ/ is still used and is what Charivarius intended so that it rhymed with "chair".
9. In Received Pronunciation, "gas" has [æ] but "alas" has [ɑː].
10. Just as in point 9, in Received Pronunciation "ass" has [æ] but "glass" has [ɑː].
11. What is notable about the first three words is that, in Received Pronunciation, the first two have [ɑː] but the last one has [ɒ].
12. "Housewife" is likely included for its specialized pronunciation /ˈhəzɪf/ when referring to a simstress's or soldier's bag (also spelled "huswife") or to the old verb of managing an institution like a house.
13. It is unclear to me whether Charivarius thought "enough" and "cough" rhymed.